If there is a capital city of kitsch, it’s Las Vegas. It’s absurd that we built a monument to vice in the middle of a natural wonder and then designed all the buildings to look like other more famous buildings. The Strip is entirely unabashed, over the top spectacle, and I have to admire that.
Vegas also has an interesting real estate market; its population is pretty transient, so houses are constantly being bought and sold. Before loading up Zillow, I imagined a sort of desert sin aesthetic – houses that look like they belong to professional gamblers who use the word “party” to mean key bump and own at least one Ed Hardy shirt. Those houses are out there, but they’re outliers in a market saturated with ugly new construction and soulless recent renovations. Houses like this one that seem like they have really good air conditioning and nothing else.
I’m sure that’s what plenty of homeowners want, but that’s not what I’m here for. I’m searching for Desert Sin, baby. And here’s what I found:
A “Pool Resort Oasis” on Wild Lily Court
This house is fine. It’s very tan and modern and it has a grand staircase which is fun.
But the house isn’t what matters here. This listing is all about the pool.
This is the Rainforest Cafe of backyards. To quote the listing, it’s a “Stunning ONE OF A KIND POOL RESORT OASIS, current base-price building cost estimates $250-$320k, features covered patio and unmatched pool/spa with grotto, waterfalls & swim-up bar with built-in barbecue!!!” What a warranted use of three exclamation points.
This really is spectacular. It’s sort of like if the Lava Springs resort from High School Musical 2 and a Great Wolf Lodge had a baby. It doesn’t even matter that this pool is attached to a house that’s tan and bland. It’s exquisite. It’s so much better than any of the pools at any of the hotels on the Strip. Plus, no HOA! Slap some wallpaper up on the interior and you’ve got yourself a dream home.
An 80s Time Capsule on Edna Avenue
This house was built in 1986 and clearly no one’s messed with its perfection since.
This entryway is so weird. The plant feature thing looks like it should be in a shopping mall. The semi-divided rooms are open concept from before anyone heard the term “open concept” on House Hunters. Not sure I can support this carpet/tile combo, but the pink curtains are magnificent.
I’m guessing the brief here was “stone and wood.” The fireplace seems a little dramatic for a location where the coldest weather you get is in the high 30s, but hey, fire is fun.
So fun, in fact, that we’ve got another fireplace in the bathroom. The carpeted bathroom. Disgusting, but I love a bold choice.
Exquisite.
And a fun shower, too. This is what I call a bathroom.
Oh, wood panelling. Forever in our hearts and homes.
As someone who has lived exclusively in hundred-year-old houses on the East Coast, the size of this laundry room is baffling. So luxurious. I love the wallpaper. I love that the blinds are somehow the same pattern as the ceiling.
This is my favorite of the four bedrooms. There aren’t a lot of photos of them, and they seem pretty standard. I don’t know what’s going on with the chair rail and incomplete wallpaper here, but like…okay!
A lovely little covered walkway opens into the backyard. And another fire! I’m still worried about all this grass, though. What a waste of water.
A Bonkersville Condo on Royal Crest Circle
Now here is the Desert Sin aesthetic I was looking for!!!
I spy: a dragon painting, a white tiger statue, a zebra print…something, and a dog figurine. Already this decor feels very cocaine-inspired.
THANK YOU real estate photographer for the close up on the tiger!! Look at these mirrors! Look at that white palm tree!
The mirrors make everything in this photo so hard to decipher. I feel like I’m having the most amazing stroke.
You never see a black kitchen these days. You definitely don’t see one with mirrored cabinets and green accents. So bold, so counter-cultural.
Yes.
Yes!
Desert Sin is mirrors and animal print. And animal posters. Nothing is better than committing to the bit.
Good god I love this.
The tree…….what!!!! Wow! This must be the least restful place in the entire world to take a bath.
Whoever designed this house was asking the real questions, like how are you supposed to get work done if your office doesn’t have a mural of the big apple!?
And before you worry that this room might not have enough mirrors, don’t!
It’s amazing that someone managed to pack this much punch into a single two-bedroom condo. I love you, mysterious stranger. You are really living the Las Vegas high life.
But believe it or not, this condo is not the pièce de résistance. That would be…
A $1.6mil Poor Man’s Castle on Rancho Circle
Here we have a castle, as designed by someone whose only visual reference was presumably a Medieval Times.
This is so weird. You have the modern couches and modern gray stone wall but the medieval-ish wall decor. And then the giraffe which like…huh?
Of course this person has an Eames chair, but why do they also have a stoplight? Why is there only one picture on that wall?
This office makes more sense with the castle concept. None of these individual pieces really work together, but they’re trying.
But now why is this room basically normal? Where is the historically-confused medieval flair? Why did they buy the ugliest dining set from Wayfair?
Everyone knows a good home gym isn’t complete without a chandelier.
Another black kitchen! I feel like in a history-themed house like this, your kitchen is allowed to be modern, and I appreciate the weirdo details in the floor texture and vaguely old-timey European-esque windows.
The bedrooms are ugly and disappointing, but the door is perfect.
If you’re gonna have a bigass closet like this, a chandelier is the way to go. (Current chandelier count for this house is seven, btw, with more to come.)
I would be offended if there wasn’t a suit of armor somewhere. Why is it paired with this wallpaper mural thing? Who could say.
Yeah man. Okay!
idk, this somehow works for me. Like, I get it.
Also, the way this photo was shot makes is look like the suit of armor is a DJ. Fuckin sick.
The best thing about this house is that there’s an offer pending on it. Not only did someone create this monstrosity, someone else wants to buy it. I’m so happy for them both. As the listing says, this really is a “one of a kind castle.”
Only in Vegas, baby.
xoxo
Franny 💋 🏠