the perfect gift

not so much a gift guide as thoughts on thoughtful gifting

In the past few years I’ve gotten a little weird about stuff; I’m becoming resistant to the idea of buying myself new things. I can’t help thinking about what it costs to make things – not the price tag, but the human and environmental costs of production. Where did this thing come from? Who made it, what did they make it out of, where did those materials come from, what machinery was used, who made that machinery, who pulled all these raw materials from the earth, how did they get to all the places they had to go, and how much waste was included in every part of the process? Is this item, whatever it is, worth what it took to make it? I spent too much of my life not thinking about this at all, taking the availability and affordability of clothes and toasters and bookends and phone chargers for granted. Now I can’t stop thinking about where they all come from.

These thoughts were already percolating for a long time, but they really came into focus when I moved last May. In downsizing from a rowhome in South Philly to a bedroom in my parents’ house, I realized how much stuff I owned that was essentially garbage – crumpled bookmarks, plastic toys, a novelty Pez dispenser. I tried not to throw much away, but passing things on to neighbors and thrift stores doesn’t guarantee they won’t end up in the landfill eventually anyway. It’s a problem I try to help with from the other side – I pick up clothes and books and DVDs secondhand, but that’s just a band-aid. We, as a society, are drowning in far more things than anyone could ever use.

I say all this not to moralize – I’m not trying to tell you you’re wrong to buy something impractical. I still have plenty of junk. Overconsumption is just even more on my mind than usual as Christmas approaches and I prepare to give and receive gifts. I don’t want to get crap I won’t use, and I don’t want to give it to anyone either. I feel acutely aware of how much unnecessary stuff is being manufactured and crammed into gift guides so that your coworker or cousin or sister’s boyfriend or whoever else you don’t really know can unwrap something you felt obligated to give them.

I love Christmas, and I love giving and getting gifts. I think it’s a fundamentally lovely thing to have a time of year dedicated to thinking about others and giving them tokens of that thought and care. It’s nice to want to include people we don’t know very well, and sometimes it’s just unavoidable. I’ve gotten gifts I didn’t necessarily want that I treasure anyway because I love the person who gave them to me. But not everyone is sentimental, and not every gift is good, and eventually some things end up in the trash. So I’ve been thinking about what I, personally, think makes a good gift, in the hopes of reducing my personal contributions to the local dump.

The ideal gift, in the world of kitsch connoisseur, comes in one of four categories:

1. Consumables & upgrades

These are small luxuries or nicer versions of staples that people wouldn’t typically buy for themselves. Some gourmet coffee, tea, hot chocolate mix, honey, jam, olive oil, flaky salt – something that makes the everyday feel a little more special. Even better if they’re local. Or something that’s special because it isn’t an everyday indulgence, like fancy pastries or hard to find international snacks. Homemade cookies or breads are fun. My mom used to give out jars of homemade hot fudge sauce to her coworkers, which was always a big hit. Non-food consumable options include soaps, lotions, and candles. Consumables are the best gifts for people you don’t know well – even if you don’t nail it, these are easy to regift, and someone will probably end up using them.

Other upgrades that I’ve always appreciated are physical versions of digital goods, or just nicer versions of things I already own. Ever since I got an e-reader, for Christmas I ask for hard copies of my favorite books I checked out digitally from the library that year. A few years ago I got my mom a box of recipe cards to replace her mishmash of papers; last year my mom and I organized all of my dad’s recipe print-outs into laminated sleeves in a binder. I’m starting to collect DVDs and blu-rays of my favorite shows and movies so I won’t have to rely so much on streaming. You probably know someone trying to do the same with music, whether it’s records or CDs or cassettes.

2. Practical & requested

This category depends entirely on what the gift recipient needs. I’m a big fan of sharing wish lists and using those lists to ask for boring, helpful stuff you haven’t bought yourself yet. Over the years I’ve requested a mattress topper, a new duvet insert, an electric gooseneck kettle, an e-reader¹, a rechargeable candle lighter, a lap desk, and a set of interchangeable knitting needles. Some of these were more expensive than I could buy for myself at the time, and some I just hadn’t gotten around to yet for whatever reason. These are similar to upgrades, but crucially must have been requested by the intended recipient. A new kettle when I already had a perfectly good would just be pointless; the specific new kettle I asked for when my old one died was perfect.

Requests don’t have to come in the form of an official wish list, though. If your friend keeps mentioning how much they want a butter bell, and keep saving butter bells to their pinterest board, but haven’t pulled the trigger and bought one yet, go ahead and get them that butter bell. I wouldn’t shut up about how much I hated using disposable paper coffee filters so my sister bought me a reusable metal one, which I use every day. Her boyfriend keeps a list of all the little upgrades she mentions throughout the year, so that when Christmas or her birthday rolls around he has some ideas ready that he knows she actually wants.

3. I think you’ll like this

This category is mostly for art. These are books, movies, music, decor, clothing, accessories, games, or tchotchkes² you think the recipient will like. It’s nice to personalize these gifts somehow, whether that’s as involved as annotating a book or as simple as writing an inscription on the flyleaf. Subscriptions to magazines or streaming services, tickets to shows, memberships to organizations, or gift cards for classes also fit here.

You don’t necessarily have to spend money for this category either. Playlists/mixes or personalized syllabi would be great gifts for a specific kind of person.

I guess pretty much any gift falls under this category, but what makes a good “I think you’ll like this” type gift is really tailoring it to the recipient. It’s so tempting to show everyone how interesting you are by giving people esoteric zines and cult classic VHS tapes, but that’s really not the point. You’re choosing a gift based on their taste, not yours.

4. Handmade (& high risk)

There’s overlap here with all the other categories, but it’s worth singling out the handmade gift. This is the highest risk category, and the one with the most potential to accidentally give people garbage. If you make your gifts, you have to go into it knowing that you may put a lot of time and energy into something that people might not like or use. Which is not to say don’t do it (I’m making several gifts this year), but know what you’re getting yourself into.

A few years ago I crocheted sweaters for my entire family, and I would absolutely not recommend it. I had a lot of fun making the sweaters, and I think some of them turned out great, but it involved a lot of guesswork about clothing size, fiber and color preferences, and personal style. I would happily make sweaters for my loved ones again, but not as a surprise. I would want them to help me choose the yarn and pattern and be able to try it on as I work. I was much happier when I made a rybka pouch, a hot water bottle cover, a shawl, and various stuffed animals, and I know that these gifts are all still in use. I’ve also made paper mache fridge magnets, felt ornaments, and written many cards and letters over the years.

I think the key thing here is putting your ego aside and thinking about what the recipient wants, not what you want to make. I’ve definitely saddled people with some unwanted objects over the years that they feel obligated to keep because of the time and effort i put into them. It’s always a possibility when you make things as a surprise – I might do it again this Christmas – but I’m trying to pay more attention to what might actually be useful or fun for other people, not just what I feel like knitting.

Ultimately the success of any gift is going to come down to how well you know the giftee and can predict what they like. Wish lists can help with this, and I think it’s well worth talking to people about what you do and don’t want/need, but part of the fun is being surprised by things you might not have even known you wanted. So, in addition to trying to reduce my contribution to waste, I’m also trying to accept that a certain amount of it is inevitable. I can’t control where my loved ones shop or what they buy (and I don’t want to). If we wind up with things we don’t want, it’s our responsibility to gracefully find a place for them anyway or get rid of them in the least harmful way possible. I can’t thoughtfully gift my way out of this country’s epidemic of overconsumption. But I can try to give people what they actually want, and be grateful for everything I get.

Happy holidays & good luck gifting.

xoxo,

Franny 💋🎁

1. This is not the time for my anti-Amazon credo, but if you’re looking for a non-Kindle option I’m always happy to talk about the pros and cons of my Kobo Clara.

2. As a tchotchke lover, it’s tempting to think everyone else loves them too. You know in your heart this is not true.